post party thots
i actually had such a good time at our halloween party. ocean and i dressed as stack & mary. we had a costume contest, scavenger hunt (ty janeyyy), bathroom confessional, vegan charcuterie, bloody cupcakes, and lotssss of decor. ocean was so creative, he rigged up this thing to make the fog from the fog machine stay close to the ground, which gave such a magical aura to the rock garden/graveyard he created in the front of the house. he also set up a bunch of life size skellies - including a skelly dj and one vomming neon water into a trash can. i spent a whole day cooking and was stressed about how everything would be after sitting in room temp, but it all turned out great. runi dressed as a vaccine doctor and gave people shots through a syringe lol. so happy we finally have enough friends for the party we've been attempting for the past couple years. i am still very tired and recovering and trying to take things slow today as i take down our decorations. i am grateful for these special moments with friends, but i know no good mood can last forever, and i am going to have to protect my heart for the next 2 weeks when i go to my mom's for an early thanksgiving.
survival kit:
- JOURNAL when you feel overwhelmed
- READ when you need to escape
- MUSIC when you need to cry
- CALL A FRIEND/OCEAN when you feel alone
- CROSS STITCH when you need a distraction
- FRAGRANCE when you need comfort
- EXERCISE when you feel panicked
- HUG mom when you need your mommy
- REMEMBER WHO YOU ARE
be there with your mom, enjoy the moment together, write down everything you want to remember - but remember: denial & escape can be a necessary tool so you don't get lost in the dark.
pre party thots
last day of prep before our halloween party. trying to stay in the moment and not get all emo. i changed my mind about some things i said before when i was worrying that i avoided my emotions too much. now that the grief has been weighing me down extra these past couple weeks, i realize how emotional avoidance can be a kindness to myself. anyway i planned my next trip to see my mom in a week. she broke my heart on the phone yesterday when she said i was a bad daughter for moving so far away from her. i think she is feeling guilty that she left her parents too. it's hard to enjoy the moment when my mind keeps hyperfixating on loss and death.
miss you
my mother is changing. the idea of her fast-approaching death is wearing in for her like a pair of stiff shoes. she called me today with an idea for a painting she wants to create. the appearance of hope is heartbreaking in someone who might have months to live. she described a painting called "death," where she would paint herself with a neutral expression, her spirit ascending as it transforms into quantum particles. this is probably the closest to an expression of spirituality i've heard from her. i realized this was a rare moment of emotional openness from her, so i screen recorded the rest of our conversation. she referenced her regrets in life: leaving her parents to come to americea, not leaving her first husband sooner, and, most poignantly, not loving my dad the way he deserved to be loved. this was the first time i've ever heard her express remorse for how she treated my dad. nothing i could say would convince her that he forgives her, or that her 20-something-year-old self deserved more compassion for enduring what she did with her first husband. she is so hard on herself. i wish she could see how beautiful and loved she is.
she also expressed feeling guilt that she prioritized career and achievement over family and love. she also feels guilty that she is leaving me alone and won't be able to help me care for my future kids. i had the worst period cramps of my life last night and dreamed of giving birth. she described feeling so bad those first few days of my life where i was hungry but her milk hadn't come in yet and she felt like she was starving me. that's exactly what happened in my dream. i feel an urgency to get pregnant so i can give her something to look forward to and so she can experience holding her grandchild before she dies. i am crushed that my dad will never get to.
moments of tenderness with my mother, in her declining health, are precious and rare. i want to cherish them instead of letting my anxiety about her death consume me. i am relieved that she seems to be accepting the reality of her condition, although it crushes my soul to see her go through these personality changes that seem to be a symptom of late stage cancer. somehow, i have to find a way to be happy for the people who love me. i love my mommy so much. she doesn't need to see me suffer.
nocturnal gun violence
i had a really good workout with such a good playlist, but cody rigsby fucking ended with two feely songs that had me thinking about my parents and i started tearing up. dancing on my own and birds of a feather.... the last one HURT bro. now i'm in my feels. and i remembered a dream i had last night. so ocean and i are getting ready for this halloween party, and in my dream it was the night of the party and it was LIT. so many people came. then a lot more people came that i didn't even recognize and it started getting out of control. i guess someone had posted about it on craigslist or something so random people started showing up. but everyone was having so much fun, and i was happy it was a success, but then i noticed someone outside with an ASSAULT RIFLE pointed at our front door, and they were about to come in. i FREAKED the fuck out and started running for my life. fight or flight just kicked in and i completely abandoned everyone including my husband, and when i got to a safe location (a library - lol tell me what that symbolizes) i started panicking about his safety, and i felt soooo guilty that i wasn't there to protect him. i was frantically calling him, but he wasn't answering his phone, and when i finally reached him, he was in one of the back rooms and had no idea that someone at our house had a fucking gun.
my brain seems to be really fucking good at reminding me of the suppressed anxiety that i spend my waking hours trying to flee. this dream reminded me that no matter how much i try to distract myself with things that are fun and happy, i can never forget the fact that my dad is dead and that death is coming for me and all my loved ones. it terrifies me so deeply that despite everything i do to avoid feeling sad or anxious, the panic WILL find me, even in my dreams. like there really is no escaping the doom that awaits us all and it seems like people who haven't lost someone close to them don't even think about this (at least not as chronically as i do).
my screen time has been going up these past couple weeks. i have been reading more books, but when i'm not, i'm always consuming some type of content to keep my thoughts going in a specific direction. i worry that if my brain isn't occupied by random external stimuli, it will gravitate towards the darkness, and i will lose control. i especially don't want that to happen around others because i can't bear the feeling of other people witnessing my emotional instability. it makes me sooo uncomfortable to talk about emotions with anyone but my therapist. of course writing about it in detail on my very public website is completely fine lmfao
zzz
i have been so sleepy lately, and it's been a lot more difficult to get things done. it feels like a luteal phase that never ends. i revisited my site today because i was on the phone with my mom, and she asked to see my work. she said she took an edible, so she was pretty out of it and kinda difficult to communicate with, but she wanted to talk, so i decided i would just give her a tour of the different pages on my site. it was cool to revisit everything that i was working on so actively a couple months ago. because i have been so sleepy lately, i don't have the same motivation to work on some of my creative pursuits.. or maybe i just feel uninspired. but showing my mom everything i've created made me feel proud of myself and reminded me who i am. this past week has been pretty difficult for me because i haven't been super productive, and my self worth is very directly tied to what i create and accomplish. i've been passively consuming content more than creating it - flipping through vintage teen magazines on internet archive, reading nostalgic girly book series like the clique and sweet valley high, and scrolling endlessly on perfumetok/taylorswiftdiscoursetok.
fuck i wanted to journal more and have a moment to catch up with myself after running from my emotions like a horror movie victim, but i just remembered i have to get ready to go to a friends' house for dinner. these days just go by so fast. i feel like i keep losing track of time, and before i know it the whole day is over. at least i got more poesie samples in the mail to test with my friend tomorrow. i seem to get hyperfixated on specific interests for a period of time, and then i completely forget about them. a couple days ago i was really invested in researching my family history on ancestry dna, but that started to make me depressed cus i was thinking about my dad and all the questions i won't get to ask him like about his grandfather and stuff. anyways i got to go airfry these samosas for my friend's dinner. i'll try to write more.
5 years!!
this weekend was my five year anniversary with my amazing husband, and i can't even describe how overjoyed i was with the surprise he had for me. a couple days before our anniversary he left me a usb drive that led me on a top secret scavenger hunt that led me to this mission document that told me to pack for a 3-day getaway... i was so shocked and excited that he put so much effort into such an amazing and thoughtful surprise, but i had no idea what was in store. basically it was the best 3 days of my entire life, and i already wrote like 8 pages in my journal about it, so i'll keep my description in here brief. the day before our anniversary, we woke up early, and i had a feeling he was going to take me to oahu or maui based on the length of the trip, but he went out of his way to drop hints that we were going to volcano... i couldn't tell if he was trying to throw me off, but when jane arrived to take us to the airport, i was super excited that my initial assumption was correct. there were soooo many surprises and special moments, from the first class seats, to the car he rented, to the hotel... i just felt so spoiled, and i didn't know what the hell i did to deserve such an amazing man. we went shopping and drove around the island, and the whole trip was so unexpected, and every moment was so perfect and straight out of a fairytale. my favorite moment was in the hot tub, where i got to express to him how lucky i felt to have him in my life. if i have to lose my parents so young, i am just so grateful that god brought such an amazing, thoughtful man into my life. throughout our relationship, any time i've expressed even a minor interest in something, he's gone above and beyond to make my dream come true. i feel like i fell in love all over again, and i just want to cherish every moment of our lives together. when i had the miscarriage, my hormones were going crazy and telling me that i would only be happy if i could have a child, but now i realize that i will be happy either way, as long as i get to enjoy the rest of my life with the man of my dreams.
of course, having experienced grief, i do have this anxiety in my bones that comes with the understanding that nothing beautiful can last forever, and the thought of ever losing this life we've built together terrifies me. i am going to do my best to focus instead on the joy and gratitude i feel in every moment we get to spend together because i know that's what he (and my dad) would do.
before we left on the trip, i had a therapy session where i told my therapist about the dream i had (detailed in my last blog entry). she helped me realize that the weird swamp gunk on my body represented my grief and all this extra baggage that i have to carry around as a result of losing my dad and taking care of my sick mom. i think that's why i try so hard to eliminate "extra" things from my life... i have a tendency to compulsively try to get rid of things, chronically purging items in an effort to lighten my emotional load. i know this habit stresses out some of the people around me, especially my husband. i am trying to realize that not everything we carry has to weigh us down, and sometimes, more things can actually bring more opportunity or potential happiness. i know ocean doesn't always have the words to express the way he feels about me, which has caused some insecurity or misunderstanding in the past. however, after seeing how much work he is willing to put in to make me feel happy and loved, i feel more confident than ever that we are meant to be together forever, and i just want to do everything i can to make him feel as special and valued as he makes me feel. now i'm going to go bake him a birthday cake hehe.
swamp bitch
i had a weird ass dream last night where i was with my parents while they were still together and my dad was alive. we were walking around the lake by my mom's house and she INSISTED we swim in it, which is insane because it is full of sewage and probably 50 kinds of diseases. anyway i didn't have a choice in the matter, so we all were in this disgusting water, and after we got out, i felt an urgent need to wash the slime off, but my mom refused to let me go home. and neither of them seemed bothered by the filth on our bodies at all... when i finally was able to take a shower, i had to wash my hair and body like 10 times and still didn't feel clean. every time i wrung my hair out, slimy, opaque green water came out and i tried to tell my parents but they didn't care AT ALL. when i got out, the shower was backed up with all kinds of exotic plant matter that i made my dad clean up. at some point my parents morphed into my husband and i was complaining to him about the layer of scum i felt on my skin, and he was so tired of hearing about it. i woke up from a nap and wanted to write about this dream in my journal, but i couldn't find my things. then i found out that he was also going swimming in the lake and sold all my things to buy drugs and party with the weird lake people. i think the lake symbolized emotional trauma i inherited from my mom and how everyone around her is intent to ignore it. like i get the feeling from those around me that i have to stop talking about this emotional baggage, but i can't ignore it myself because it is so revolting and impossible to free myself of. my dad played his role by cleaning up the shower, but his help was limited to physical acts of service, and he wasn't able to provide me the emotional support and comfort i was craving.
i've been decorating for halloween hella trying to prep for a halloween party. i've realized there are some things that are better done at the last minute, but that is so hard for me to accept because one of my core personality traits is the constant attempt to reduce work for my future self by doing everything possible as soon as possible. the opposite of procrastinating... pre-crastinating? idk. but yeah i spend so much of my life trying to get all these things done in advance, which really makes no sense because there are some things, like outdoor decoration, that could get ruined over time, but my brain still constantly screams at me that i need to do it NOW. and it's a constant effort to shut up that part in my brain.
i went to the free palestine protest yesterday and it breaks my heart that it's been TWO FUCKING YEARS of nonstop violence against palestinians. and people barely even talk about it any more. i often think about the eficacy or impact of in person protest vs online activism, and i guess with our social feeds being dominated by curated algorithms, we really don't see anything that would challenge our predominant way of thinking... plus all the content about palestine is being so heavily censored now. you kind of have to go out in the world to get some people to open their eyes, but it seems like there has to be more impactful ways to effect change. contacting congress people or those in power seems like a good start, but it's hard to know if it really makes a difference. it's been 2 years of this shit and it seems like those in power have only gotten more successful at silencing dissent.
i think about it all the time
dear dad,
i had a dream last night that i found an app that allowed me to talk to you in heaven. it seemed so real, and i felt so happy and relieved that i could communicate with you again. i wanted to make plans to visit you, and you told me you were sad that i made more of an effort to see mom and didn't try to spend that much time with you. i got some board games and a bunch of supplies to do art together and brought them to your house, but i was shocked that your new wife was there because i thought it was just going to be us. in my dream there were two yous, the one i was seeing in person who was still alive and the one i was talking to on my phone who was from a different timeline or something. the version of you in person was prioritizing all of her needs over mine, and i felt like i had no place in your life anymore. the version of you in my phone told me that you knew the truth about how cruel and disgusting she was, the things she did, and the way she talked about me to you. she was a lot less subtle in her cruelty in my dream. she was extremely vulgar, and i felt pretty violated and repulsed by some sexual stuff you said she made you do. but for once, there seemed to be a part of you that was on my side, and i can't explain how much that meant to me.
i guess i really needed to know you believed me, that you trusted me, and that you weren't blind to the way she twisted things. i've wanted your protection and your loyalty, and in my dream, i finally got it. i finally got to hear you tell me what i wish you'd said in life. i felt so relieved that i was able to reach you, but even more, i felt relieved that i got to hear you take my side, even though she wasn't there to hear it. i miss you so much. i wish i could have had this conversation while you were still alive, but i know it probably wouldn't have gone the way i wanted it to. although i guess we never know. maybe that was really you showing up for me spiritually in the way that i've been praying for for so many months. i guess it doesn't hurt to assume that it was really you, so maybe that's what i'll choose to do...
thank you for showing up in my dream. thank you for giving me what i've been craving - your voice standing up for me. even though i would give up that feeling in a second to have you still here on earth with me, it does matter that you did make an effort to reach me. i'll try my best to hold on to that feeling of being believed, seen, and defended. i love you always.
ye olde wilde west
last night i hosted another sugar rush party with my friend at the clerbb. it was cunty-country theme hehe. i uploaded some of my practice sessions on internet archive: country CRUNK & country pop/HOUSE. it was definitely one of our lesser attended shows, but the people who did come actually dressed up in cowboy hats and boots, which made me so happy! like people who were there clearly came for the theme, which i love. i was also so grateful that a couple of my friends from college drove in from a couple hours away to come to the party! they were adorable and i really enjoyed watching them dance and have a good time. while they were here i also forced them to try the thin wild mercury perfume samples i ordered. to be honest i found all 8 of the scents to be completely foul the first time i sprayed them. i really tried to make myself like them but i don't think that vintage/antique vibe is for me. it's so interesting how different my tastes are from my friends. like each of the girls (and one of their bf's) had different scents they gravitated toward. when i first introduced myself to the collection i couldn't imagine how anyone could enjoy any of them but a couple of them said some of the perfumes were their dream scents, so i happily distributed the samples. i only kept what are in my opinion the 2 most wearable, chelsea staircase and chateau 1970. maybe i'll find something to layer them with that allows me to enjoy them a bit more.
next weekend is the pajama party i'm throwing with my lil dj girl group, which is going to be so cute. but i think it's going to be my last event for a while. 2024 was a year of djing at other peoples' events, 2025 was a year of djing and hosting my own events, and i think 2026 will be the year of djing in my bedroom for me and my cat lol. i just need a break, esp as i hope to start a family soon, and since i stopped drinking it's just more work than i get out of it. i feel bad for abandoning my friends who help support me with this, but they're very talented and i trust that they will be able to do an amazing job without me. i'm actually kinda excited to be able to come and enjoy the shows that my friends put on and offer support by making flyers and helping with decorations/photoshoots. i think pajama party will be a really great note to end on. ending this sugar rush era is a little bittersweet, but i am so so grateful for the moments we've created, and i'm looking forward to discovering new interests and passions in life.
i feel so lucky to have such amazing friends and husband who come out and support me in what i do, and i'm super proud of myself and my best friend for creating something so iconic and legendary. i know i'm not the most skilled dj, but i do always put my all into everything i create and it feels so good to have that appreciated and recognized by my community.
tripsitting mom at limon rotisserie
today is my last day of this trip visiting my mom in california. she's been taking edibles every day for the past couple weeks to help her with her pain, but she hasn't gotten concerningly high until today. i think she was feeling really sad that i'm leaving tomorrow, and she wanted to make our last day special by pushing herself to go out to eat with me. she said she was doing all the tricks she could to get her pain under control so we could have one more outing together. i didn't realize this included taking an edible while she was getting ready to leave. she wore a frilly white button down blouse, a black blazer, and black embroidered leggings, with brown ankle boots and a betsy johnson pearl charm necklace. her hair was in two pigtails. she looked so cute. the ride there was nice. we listened to sza and i recapped how nice this visit has been, talking about all the things we were able to do together that i didn't think we'd have the opportunity to do again. i was hopeful that this would be another thing to put on that list. halfway through the meal she started looking like she was dozing off, and i was wondering if she was high, but i knew if she'd been high when we left she wouldn't have wanted to go out so i pushed the thought aside. her eyes were closing and she stopped speaking, so i started getting worried and asked if she was tired. that's when she confessed that she was stoned, and honestly she was acting pretty scare. definitely not the most fucked up i've seen her, like she wasn't raging or anything, just very drowsy looking, so i hurriedly requested the check and pulled the car around to take her home. as i was driving home, i kept looking over at her nodding off in the passenger seat, and it honestly broke my heart. on one hand i was frustrated. like why does she always go overboard on my last day? it always feels like a subconscious (or maybe semi-conscious) effort to keep me from leaving. i would've been happier staying in bed watching buccaneers with her than having an outing where she was too high to communicate, let alone stand up or keep her eyes open. as we pulled into the driveway, she started heaving, and i stopped the car so she could throw up if she needed to. she kinda sat there half squatting, sorta inside and sorta outside the car with her eyes closed, kinda waiting for the nausea to take over again, and i just felt so sad for her. she isn't trying to ruin our time together. she is trying to make each day as bearable as possible, and it seems the more effort she puts in, the worse things get.
i have done a good job convincing myself these past few days that the doctors are wrong. there's no way she's dying. she couldn't be when she still has so much energy in life in her. but when i see her like this, i begin to visualize what it will be like to lose her again. she's getting a pet scan next month to see if these injections she's getting are managing to keep the cancer under control or not, and honestly i'm terrified. she said her usual stuff today about how she wished i could stay longer or return sooner because i probably won't be back until thanksgiving, and on the drive to the restaurant i was feeling pretty hopeful. i was actually thinking about if there was a way that i could come back to see her sooner. i want to make the most of the time we have left while she is still somewhat mobile, but at the same time, i do really need a break. she's the only person i've really been spending time with lately, and staying with her too long pulls me away, mentally and emotionally, from the life i have at home. i miss my husband. i miss my friends. but when i'm here i feel such a strong sense of devotion to her that i am tempted to abandon it all to make her happy. i know she doesn't have anyone she really loves in this world but me. i bring a level of meaning to her life that i won't even be able to understand until i'm a mother.
at the same time, i still have to turn my head from the sorrow for long enough to feel the sun sometimes. i still deserve to be the main character of my own life sometimes. i'm allowed to want things too. and the things i want are allowed to be different than the things she wants. as grateful as i am for (and a tiny bit traumatized by) the moments we've shared these past 2 weeks, i am really looking forward to being in my own home again. i need a deep whiff of saffron's fur to take the edge off.
a good day
i'm feeling really happy today because i was able to get my mom out of the house. we went to world market together because i made her these soups from mixes i got there, and she really liked them, so i was able to convince her that she had to come with me to see the other flavors. it's always a pleasant surprise when i am able to coax her out of the house, but this time was really special to me. it reminded me of when we used to browse through aisles and aisles at various food stores - the asian supermarket, bougie boutique grocers, and farmer's market produce shops. 3 months ago i was convinced that her illness would only get progressively worse and that the days of making new happy memories with her were over, but today i felt so grateful to realize that she still has life to live, and we still can make those memories together. they might not be the same as they were when she was healthy (i'm taking care of her, carrying things, packing up her walker, and driving her instead of her looking after me), but this is still part of our story as mother and daughter. she has proved to me over the past 2 weeks that she still has the desire to live, and more importantly, she has found hope again. i've found hope again too. these past couple days i've started to see potential of things we can do together again and not just heartbreak that i'm going to lose her. i really believe she is going to outlive the doctor's predictions. she's so precious to me, and i just love her so fucking much. i get so much joy from seeing her happy. the way she giggled at different products we saw at the store was just too cute! i feel like my dad is my guardian angel or something, looking out for me. he's still here, making sure that despite how challenging life can be, i can find as much beauty and ease in the troubles of life and death as possible given the circumstances.
i also got to get dinner with my friend today. i was nervous about if i would be able to go, or if i'd feel too guilty leaving my mom, but it ended up being fine, and i had a nice time catching up with my friend. one annoying thing that happened today was i got a weird long af text from my aunt explaining to me my stepmother's intentions and why i should forgive her. it felt weird and passive aggressive to me... it was so out of the blue because we haven't communicated in a couple weeks, and she brought my mom into the topic, which seemed very irrelevant. even though she said several things that i didn't agree with and that made me pretty annoyed/anxious, i decided not to engage in debate and just explained that i was happy with the state of my relationship with my stepmom and that she didn't need to worry about making things "right" between us. i do feel empathy for my stepmom, and i know i wasn't the most compassionate in our last communication with each other, but i'm trying to accept that i don't need to have a good relationship with everyone. i am, unfortunately, a people pleaser, so this is a challenge for me, but as time passes, i realize that it is ok for not everyone to like me. it is also ok for me not to like certain people. i accept and love myself for who i am, and my worth is determined by me (and my mom low key... hi mommy issues... lol... just kidding.... kind of). anyways i still get a very anxious feeling in my chest when i am confronted about something or have to deal with people that i have issues with, but i am getting better at managing it. i know my intentions are good, and that's what actually matters.
oh i've also been learning more about fragrances lately. this trip, i brought my sample of autumn vibes (replica by maison margiela), and i have been addicted. it has such a earthy, peppery flavor. i love the scent so much. i spray it on my wrists after i shower, and sniff them throughout the day. it's such a warm and cozy fall scent; it really makes me feel comforted when i smell it. i wanna start learning more about different fragrances. it's so wonderfully magical to me how different scents can totally transport you to a different time, place, or memory. the psychological effects of smell are amazing. i know i like androgynous scents more than traditionally feminine ones. i reviewed my mom's perfume collection on an app, and her perfumes are all very floral. i don't know what it is, but i just find woody notes so much more addictive. i have some odette parfum samples coming in the mail soon, which i'm really excited about. definitely more on the femme side, but when i discovered the kitten fur note on pas de chat, i knew i wanted to sample the whole collection. if you're reading this, tell me, what are your favorite scents or fragrance notes? this interest is very new to me, so i still have a lot to learn!
ai insta-snacks and mom movies
i had such a weird dream last night that meta launched a new AI feature on instagram that allowed you to taste things from photos on your feed. i wanted to try it cus they said you got 3 free uses per day, so i went to a random post someone made of a pizza and i clicked the ai instafood button, expecting it to somehow make the flavor of pizza appear in my mouth, but instead a box of pizza materialized in my car. the pizza looked weird as fuck like something from the first generation of ai image generators. instead of one pizza it was like 5 stacked on top of each other cut all strangely and each slice on each pizza was a different weird flavor. like there was one with cottage cheese and one slice that had peanut butter and jelly and it just looked overall super odd and disgusting. i was very excited about the tech but too icked out by the pizza to try it so i just threw it away. anyways dreams like this about weird random tech advancements make me wonder what innovations that seem super far-fetched now in 2025 are gonna be really commonplace in the future. there was a time not too long ago where wireless internet connection was completely unheard of, and now it is something i use most hours of my day. and you can pretty much use it anywhere. and things just accelerate so fast these days that i bet the next staple tech will be something i can't even fathom. it blows my mind that before the internet you had to look everything up in a book and if you had a question you had to contact an expert on the topic, whereas now i look things up constantly without thinking twice about it. imagine watching a movie and not remembering an actor's name. you had to wait for the credits. crazy! lol i'm sure an older person reading this would be like wow this out of touch zillenial, but i'm honestly a little afraid for my future kids. they're going to have soooo much access to information, it's actually scary. the internet was a dangerous place to be during the dark ages of 2014 tumblr, but i bet there's way worse rabbit holes a kid could go down nowadays. i'm gonna choose to focus on the hope of a realistic insta-taste AI feature though.
here's my ratings for movie's i've seen in the last couple days:
- blast from the past: 7/10 (cute and the right amount of weird for a romcom)
- coyote ugly: 9/10 (so fun and campy, the fashion is everything)
- never been kissed: 5/10 (i remembered liking this more as a kid... after rewatching it feels weird and sexist. i enjoy the parallels to mean girls tho)
- mulholland drive: 8/10 (weird as fuck and unsettling)
- aquamarine: 9/10 (literally a masterpiece)
- get a clue: 6/10 (lindsay lohan and brenda song ate every fucking outfit)
- the devil wears prada: 6.5/10 (iconic and i am so excited about the sequel)
- the hot chick: 6/10 (didn't age well... lots of racist writing. rachel mcadams is a goddess tho)
i low key feel bad cus i made my mom watch the devil wears prada with me today even though she thinks rom-coms are shallow and dumb. then she made me agree to watch farewell my concubine with her, and i feel bad cus i was not able to focus on the story and stopped paying attention. the child abuse in the beginning of the movie was making me anxious so i started working on my cross stitch so i could distract myself, and she was saying that i'd regret not watching the movies she wanted to watch when she was dead. she loves threatening me with her death. not a fun vibe. so made me even more anxious, and i used my computer and escaped to digital dimensions so i didn't have to be in the moment with her. our tastes in media used to be really similar, but as she's gotten older, she likes really dark shit. and i like horror and thrillers, but it has to be fun and campy still. and i do not like historical period pieces. and she used this to argue that i'm not mature enough to enjoy learning about history, which may very well be true. idk what i should do in the next few days though. i leave in 5 days, and i want her to feel like i am spending time with her, but idk if she appreciates me sitting there in her bed when i'm on my laptop, or if i need to actually pay attention to what she's watching for her to feel like we're bonding. i just feel bad because she kept saying how much the movie meant to her and i was soo resistent to it. she's pretty stubborn, and so am i, i guess. i also have been trying to make plans with my friend, since i haven't seen any friends this entire visit, but i'm also really traumatized from previous times i've gone to see her while staying with my mom. she usually says something about how i have my whole life to hang out with this girl, but my mom is going to die soon, so i need to spend more time with her and have my priorities straight. i feel like i've been pretty obedient lately (lmao i'm literally 28 years old wtf), besides the movie thing, and i do everything she asks me to do for her. i don't know why she gets so jealous or insecure when i pay attention to someone that isn't her. but i do really want to see her, and i need to put my own wants first sometimes. i am manifesting that i will not let her guilt me into staying home. although it's not impossible given how skillfully she manipulates me. i'm sure she's right though, when she's gone, i will miss her forcing me to watch movies i don't like and trying to get me to stay home instead of go out with my friends. i guess that's why the manipulation is so effective now. she's holding the ultimate trump card, so how the fuck can i say no to anything she asks of me? once you've lost someone there is no going back, and i'm gonna be kicking myself for everything i denied her and wishing i had prioritized being next to her over being entertained.
cabin fever
bro i am starting to get so tired of being stuck in the house 24/7. like i always kinda wanna go out, but when i'm out i know i'm not allowed to be gone for more than an hour before my mom starts kinda freaking out and wanting me home. so then i'm like is there even a point to leaving? i mean i did go on a cute lil outing to trader joes yesterday and that was very fun. they have these freeze dried watermelon candies that are so addicting. i need like 10 more bags. i've def been eating my emotions a lot in absence of my usual coping mechanisms. i need socialization. i wanna meet up with z this week, but i get such a weird feeling where i'm stuck trying to please multiple people, and if i were to just stay home i could just focus on balancing my mom's emotions and mine and not having another person in the mix of things to worry about. on one hand, i feel guilty for leaving my mom for extended periods (classical conditioning - in the past i've always come home to her disassociating or way too fucked up). at the same time, i also feel guilty and weird in my interactions with friends cus i can never hang out for long and it makes me feel bad/disincentivized from going out at all. i have been productive at least, working on my dj set for the cuntry sugar rush party and the flyer for pop punk night, among other things... but i feel like my mom also low key judges me for being on my phone/laptop when she wants me to watch shows with her. i don't like the shows she watches though...
i've seen some fun movies, but, again, i am working through feelings of guilt for choosing to watch shows in my room instead of laying in my mom's bed and watching stuff with her. but i have to have time for myself too. and she doesn't like older movies. last night i watched mystic pizza (it was pretty bad i'd give it like a 2/10), and today i watched coyote ugly, and it was as fun as i remembered (9/10 - 1 point off for how easily male characters were forgiven for sexism in movies of this era). the FASHION was the best part. like i want every outfit every character wears in this movie.
omg she's ringing her little butler bell thing right now so i have to go check on her... brb
ok she wants ice cream and cake lol. i get weirdly irritated at first when she tries to summon me with that bell, but when i see her all cute in her pj's, watching her show and asking for cake, i'm like ughhhhhh maybe i should consider moving in with her again? and i get all sentimental thinking she's not gonna live that long and i need to be her servant forever (hey codependency lol). but then i think about how frustrated i would get if i actually gave up my life in hawaii for real and then i think i better not. the fact that her mood has been better lately does make me feel more compassionately and crave more time together while she is still relatively in good health/spirits, but i also know that not being here all the time is what makes the time i am here so special to her, and i don't want it to be taken for granted, by either of us. i wonder if she's been nicer and more reasonable lately because i've been more obedient or if i've been more obedient because she's been nicer. maybe both. i did make dinner reservations for us today cus yesterday she said she would go out with me today, but then her stomach started hurting, and she made me cancel. i felt kinda disappointed because i was excited to finally leave the house with her again. i think she felt bad because she gave me her phone and told me to order whatever i wanted from doordash. i found a new (to me) sushi restaurant with a massive vegan menu and ordered a bunch of food for us. she had taken an edible so she was high af when the food came, but she said she really liked it, which made my heart happy inside. i get such a dopamine rush from pleasing her. she trained me so well.
anyways if you're reading this can you recommend me cunty late 90's/early 00's movies? i g2g make my mom a dessert plate.
california again
back here staying with my mom again. she has been so cute and sweet this time, so i have hope that things are looking up for her. if not health-wise, at least mentally/emotionally. she hasn't been eating a lot, which does concern me, but she seems to be in a pretty good mood most of the time. we've been playing mah-jong and we even went out to dinner for her birthday! i love her sooooo much, and i can't allow myself to think about how sick she is because if i do it will steal all the joy from the moments i'm still getting to share with her. it is so deeply in my nature to try to prepare for bad things before they happen, which usually means imagining all the worst possible outcomes for every scenario, but i am doing everything i can not to think about her dying. i've been told that this was likely the last birthday i'll get to have with her, and when i think about this i want to sob. but again- not thinking about it! it's nice that my cousin is here because it provides a good distraction, but at the same time, spending a lot of time around someone whose family is very much alive and not dying makes me pretty envious and also feel alone. i am grateful for her being here, but it does put slightly more pressure on me to hold it all together. i guess i would feel that way if my husband were here though too. but it's probably good for me to feel pressured to hold it together cus who wants to fall apart ?
i do also feel myself somewhat healing from losing my dad, but i don't know if it's because i am actually accepting my life/future without him or if i am just getting better at pretending it's not true. idk those might kinda be the same thing though. emily and i have been looking at a lot of my family pictures and she talks about nostalgia a lot... i feel like nostalgia reaches another level when you have lost/are losing a loved one though. they have been there with me my whole life, what do you mean i have to live without them now? today we spent a good amount of time at my mom's elderly neighbor's house. we went to see her giant maine coon cat, but ended up staying for like an hour listening to her talk about all her family members who have died and what they died of. in the pictures on her bookshelf you could see evidence of a great life she'd lived. it is scary to think that all the best years could be behind me now... i was talking with emily about this, and she said she feels like we still have a good 25+ years ahead before things go down hill. i was thinking, how could the next 25 years possibly be better than the 25 years where i still had all of the people i've loved most in the world? i guess when i have kids i will feel differently, but right now, as i watch my mother fade the way my dad did just a year ago, it's hard to imagine ever loving someone so much. it does seem like a pretty clear indication of the necessity of having children though. this is something that stuck out to me about my interaction with my mother's neighbor. despite the pain she expressed when she recounted the deaths of her siblings and nieces, she talked about her kids and grandkids with so much joy and pride. maybe if i have to say goodbye to my family of origin forever, i can at least have my own family with its own culture and memories that i create with the love of my life. there has to be some beauty left in the world for me to discover.
on a lighter note, i've been playing the sims 2 strangetown on my 3ds and that's been fun. i also joined my first webring which is made up of blogs by vegan creators! lol but as fun as life seems sometimes, it also feels weird and horrifying to be so entertained by these silly distractions when everything about real life feels so heavy. i guess that's how we survive though? by finding joy and humor even in the darkest places? on the days i believe in god, i think he/she/they must be able to find me when i am at my lowest. cus faith isn't about believing that they're going to fix everything or make the impossible happen, it's about trusting that there is some part of me that is divinely connected enough to find the peace and blessings hidden in the most soul-crushing scenarios. it's about believing that even if everything in the world around me is shit, i can still find love and happiness because those are things that exist too deep inside my spirit for circumstantial misery to strip away. i will always find a way to love, laugh, and create in even the darkest periods of my soul because i am made of love, laughter, and creation. beauty can never leave my life because i am beauty, and as long as i am still alive (and definitely after), i will do whatever it takes to find it. even though he isn't here to say it, my dad would be proud of me. i can say it to myself though, and that is going to have to be enough.
drawing the line
gallery dump
i added wayyyy more content to my gallery page and made a filter function so you can sort my art my different mediums!! this past week has been spent collecting images of random sketchbook pages and digging around in my old computer for digital renders from my college days. i also added fun windows 98 style buttons (this css was a great reference!) and i made a data doll button for my site. it's so fun to go through my old files and see how my style has evolved. so many pieces i forgot about. when i look back i'm kinda amazed by how much i have created over the years.
i watched hackers last night. so nostalgic and corny but the aesthetic is everything. i love how the internet was portrayed so colorfully and optimistically back then. it's been 30 years since that movie came out, and i know if it was made today all of those silly fun hacking scenes would be all gray and corporate looking. like even the tech looked so fun and colorful - why don't modern tech companies make those fun see through laptops where the shell is transparent and you can see all the computer bits inside lol...
i saw this tiktok of aubrey plaza talking about her grief after losing her husband, and she described it as this giant gorge in the landscape of life that is always there and demanding attention. sometimes you wanna crawl inside and lose yourself in there, and sometimes you try as hard as you can not to look at it and pretend it's not there. so real honestly, and i have been avoiding the fuck out of it lately. like it was my dad's death anniversary last week, and after writing a poem for him, i spent the rest of the day forcing myself not to think about it. every day i do everything i can to keep myself distracted and occupied so i don't succumb to the dark emotions that i can feel lurking out of the corner of my eye. i know that if i let myself think about it, i will just spiral, so honestly not acknowledging my emotions is probably for the best. when i'm busy coding this site or making art i can feel joy and purpose, and i almost forget that my dad's dead and my mom's dying. ocean makes fun of me for being on the computer 247 and i think it makes him feel alone, but i genuinely can't stand not creating something all the time. like if i stop doing things, then i have to think thoughts and who wants to do that lmao
at the same time though, i do want to be present for the people who are still in my life, and i know that avoiding feelings and close connections isn't going to save me from death, but why would i choose to relax and feel things when i have such an effective method to keep myself from feeling things? i definitely felt bad when i was staying with my mom and doing work on my laptop while we were watching shows together, like i should have been focusing on being in the moment and enjoying our time together, but at the same time, if i sit with her too long without distracting myself some how, my mind loops back to how temporary our time together is and that just makes me panic and enjoy the time we have together even less. what the fuck is wrong with me... at least i'm not relying on drugs anymore to get me through those trips, but in some ways, this is just another mode of escaping from my surroundings. fuck it though i love my computer. and i'm probably being too hard on myself anyways. like who cares if i have to make art to feel ok when someone i love is dying?? i have to take what i can get and if anything makes me feel even slightly better, then i have to embrace it.
updates!
so many updates!!
- i added the iconic webamp mp3 player to my site with some of my favorite tracks
- added some desktop icons to help navigate my site
- archived my old dj event flyer designs
- added a poetry page where i'm gonna share my writings about grief and stuff
- embedded some of my video collage in my dj visuals page
- decorated by links page with more cute gifs and streamlined the layout
i've been soooo locked in to web dev stuff that i haven't been practicing/prepping for my various dj gigs as much as i usually would... i've just been feeling so introverted lately and especially with my newfound sobriety djing just isn't hitting the same. like i am so passionate about finding new music, but lately i just feel like all these events have kinda been the same and it's losing it's shine for me. i just don't love performing as much as i used to, and i find so much more fulfillment expressing myself privately. something about making art is just so personal and sacred to me now, and having to express that loudly in front of a huge crowd of people is just not fun sober lol. and now that i've discovered old web i just wanna spend all my time surfing the web and playing flash games. i think i'm also way more of a visual person, and it feels weird to spend all my time in a software that is as visually boring as engine dj. well i know visual studio code is pretty boring to look at too, but in between this gray screen that gives hacking the mainframe vibes, i get to refresh my pretty colorful site and browse other blogs for cutie gifs and fun decorations to add to mine.
happy
i'm updating my links page to include my growing gif collection hehe. i've been feeling such a good mood lately like my workouts have been hitting, i've been loving playng on my computer and 3ds, and i just feel so grateful to have time during the week to pursue my creative interests. i djed a swiftie party on saturday and it was chilllll. i'm doing this new thing where i don't drink when i'm djing at the clerb anymore, and it's so weird being around a bunch of drunk people fully sober. like i still enjoy djing but it's def way less fun lol and i feel very socially awkward and self conscious the whole time which is meh. drunk me is fully leo rising and loving the attention while sober me is like plz do not talk to me i am actually frightened by people. and i am bored of music way more easily when i'm sober so i feel like i'm stuck trying to play the same songs i played last time cus that's what the crowd is screaming and losing their minds to but i love it by icona pop is getting more and more tiresome every month. i do not love it.
this thursday i'm having a couple friends over to play vr, so i spent some time in the headset yesterday downloading games i thought would be fun to try out with them. i feel like an old person every time i try to play vr cus it just makes my head hurt and i get overwhelmed easily. i don't understand how the kids are spending all day in vr chat and meta horizons like i get vertigo after 30 min in there. the husband and i have been playing split fiction together which is such a fun couples game. very similar to it takes two and the storyline is so cute. my favorite scene is where you turn into pigs running around this magical farmland looking for apples, but this was kinda ruined by the fact that you get grinded up into a hot dog after. kinda pro vegan message? idk.
back from california
i spent the last 2 weeks in oakland with my mommy. after the traumatizing experience we both had the last time i visited (for my dad's memorial in may), i think we both really needed this trip to make positive memories together. of course i felt a strong urge to escape from my emotions. the first few days there i couldn't escape the feeling that our time together was limited and this was making me soooo emotional that i had to have my fingers working on a cross stitch, or downloading ds games, or working on a dj set. like i was sitting in bed with her all day every day just working on my craft or tapping on my computer to keep the thoughts of death from invading my brain while she was just chilling and watching tv and being so nonchalant. no one prepares you for how to adequately silence your thoughts when your mom is trying to get you to look at urns with her on amazon!!
anyways i feel a little guilty that i was trying so hard to distract myself from my encroaching dark thoughts when i should have just been in the moment with her and feeling all the feels, but at the same time, part of navigating grief is knowing when to give yourself the kindness of turning those emotions off for SURVIVAL. anyways now that i'm back home i have even more things i wanna do like i just downloaded a bunch of games to my 3ds and have been playing those/binging reality tv like it's my full time job.... i literally quit vaping nicotine a few days ago for the good of my future child and it is hard!! so much harder than quitting weed cus with weed there was a lot of things i didn't really wanna be high for, but with nicotine, the headrush only lasts like 1 min so it was so easy to justify as like a lil reward/rebellion or whatever. anyways it's been easier now that i'm home, but i'm djing a taylor swift party tonight and djing/going out is def a trigger cus i get ANXIOUS having all them peeps around me and i wanna make my brain go tingly and stupid to get rid of the anious thoughts. obviously this doesn't actually help though and just makes my heartrate go tachycardic which no one needs when they already struggle with physical anxiety...
well anyways i am happy to be home for now, even though i'm going back to see my mom for her bday in like 3 weeks. at least i have some gigs and therapy sessions to look forward to before then lol. oh btw in addition to editing my blog page, i also added a gallery page to my site with some random pics i had of art i've done over the past few years. i'm gonna try to dig up some more, but i think it's a good start to archiving my existance online.
baby's first blog post
after working on this site for a week nonstop, i finally made it live on neocities! i am really doing this for myself as a form of self expression, so if you don't like it, i don't even care (and you have no taste)!! but yeah i'm gonna post blog entries about updates i make on my site and probably also updates on my grief journey cus this page is for me and i can basically do whatever i want! and i want to talk about my parents and keep their memory alive and also shed a light on what the experience is like of grieving your parents in your 20s cus tbh no one i know understands that. and if you do understand that, i am so sorry.
i am here for you though, so don't hesitate to reach out if you are seeing this. life ends in death and i seem to be surrounded by people who have no awareness of this (or are somehow able to ignore it). well if you're a 20-something girlie with mommy issues and codependency, life ends with your mother's death. since my dad died almost a year ago, grief becomes more and more "regular" to me that when i spend a lot of time alone i tend to forget that not everyone is feeling this way. when people are able to ignore the threat of death that lingers in every room like a bad smell, i honestly feel super angry and frustrated! but when people acknowledge the difficulty of what i'm going through, i feel awkward AF and embarrassed by their pity. this causes me to downplay my pain and trauma in interactions with others cus it feels way too raw and intimate to address in conversation. nope, that content is only between me and the entire fucking internet lmao
but i try not to let myself get too consumed by these feelings, and i escape into the dreams and fantasies i create with my art. the only time i don't feel totally alone in the world is when i'm creating something. i mean i love consuming creative content as well, but when you're grieving, tv shows and movies are minefields. depressing family shit is depressing and happy family shit is depressing too cus you contrast that with your own life and it's honestly even worse than the movies where the dad dies of cancer. this is why i am a reality tv stan til i r.i.p. i'ma stay creating though, so my mind and hands stay active and i have something to focus on rather than my hyperfixation with my mom's cancer